afraid
C.W. : Vomiting, mental health distress
I was lying, my face against my toilet seat, trying to stay still. It was painful to move even a millimeter, so I tried to stay as still as possible. Even breathing too much was extremely painful. My body never felt this terrible before. I was getting rid of what was hurting my stomach. I spend the last half an hour reaching over the toilet. Slowly and painfully vomiting whatever was in there.
It hurt, a lot. It's been a while since I haven't been this sick. My stomach's acid was slowly burning everything on it's way out. It leaved a terrible after-taste in my mouth.
What happened? I don't even remembered why I was felling this bad. Why was I this stressed? Why didn't I slept at night during those last weeks? Why didn't I woke up at all during the day? Why was I eating everything I could get my hand on? Why was I letting myself starve for days? Why did I hurt myself like that?
There was so many things that was stressing me out.
I'm just so scared of failing everywhere. Getting myself this sick over everything feels like the bare minimum to do. Or else everyone will be disappointed in me. Because I feel like if I don't do that, I don't have any value. I just don't want to be tossed aside.
I know that I shouldn't think like that. That everyone will say the opposite if I told them that. Surely that there will be some that will rush to me to tell me that it's not true. To tell me that I am someone amazing and that I shouldn't feel like that. To make me swear that I will never think like that ever again.
But I can't help this, I just feel like this is the truth. I can't help but think that it is the truth. That's why I always put myself in this state. That's why I always end up isolating myself. I always end up disappearing. Because I feel like it's the only thing that I'm supposed to do. Because it's the only thing that I can do correctly.
But this state isn't supposed to be sustained for a long time. And now I am having so much trouble with everything. Health, studies, friends and family. So I feel like I always need to double down. Do more. So I did more. For days, weeks and even months.
And that's why my face is stuck on that toilet seat.
What is worrying me right now? I don't really know honestly. Even as I write this words I'm not totally sure of what is causing all of that. It's not easy to find one single cause to my current state. It's a mix of unlucky events, bad decisions and remorse. It's painful to think about it, that's surely why I am in denial. Trying to forget about what make me afraid. Trying to face it all is even more scarier.
But it's normal.
There is no right moment to face my failures, to face my problems. There are only moments where I don't want to ruin the mood. It could also be moment where I'm too depressed to do something. Or sometimes moments where I weren't thinking straight.
So do I'll do it now, since there is no better time than right now. But take I'll take my time, because it takes time to heal. But I'll take it seriously, or else I'll be left with only loss and regrets.
And if you even are in the same situation as me, I hope that you'll take it seriously too. Because it's worth it. There is something or someone waiting for you out there. I'm sure of it.
I wish you the best of luck.
Wishing you the very best - Muliama