Being more than honest - Even if I am not good at it
A bad habit I have is to hide it when I feel down or when I get some bad news. I put a lot of pressure on myself to keep my pain hidden and it works with a lot of people. Or at least no one points out my suffering.
I’ve been so stressed lately that even the most mundane situations feel overwhelming. I can usually keep the act until I burn out and start to break down. When it happens people don’t understand why I just, stop functioning. To be honest1 others expect far too much from me. This is understandable since I never talk about my struggles, let alone ask for help.
Others expect me to act like someone who isn’t traumatized by school. Like someone who knows if the path he chose is the one he wished for. Like someone who isn’t terrified of being in a class, overwhelmed by each question, by each quiz. Like someone who isn’t scared that each weekend he spends with his dad, may be the last one.
So naturally they ask too much from me. Everything, all the efforts I put in last year amounted to nothing. Last year I was doing my very best, giving my all. But the fact is I failed to pass, barely.
Professors expect me to do even better than last year since I repeated my year. But I am afraid that no matter the efforts I make, I am not capable enough to be in an engineering school anymore.2
But I am so afraid to tell all of this. It makes everything so much more complicated. It makes my friendships less enjoyable. It makes school unbearable. It makes me less honest with myself. I am afraid to be… not enough… It’s so hard for me to tell how I feel, to tell what’s happening to me.
I want to prevent that from happening. I want to be more honest. I want to ask for help and be helped. I need to tell my loved ones when something bad happen, to receive support and to be understood. I need to let my professor know that I don’t enjoy what I am doing anymore.
I need to tell when I want something. I have to be vulnerable with my close friends, to show my love, and my emotions. I need to show them that they count a lot for me. So that they don’t drift away so that they don’t leave me alone.
If I can’t say it, I will write it. I will send a letter that tells everything that needs to be said. If can’t can’t send the letter, I’ll show it here. I won’t even know if someone will read it. Maybe one day I will work up the courage to send a link.
So to my close friends who received a link or just stumbled upon this post, I promise that from now on, I will be more honest. I will ask for help more often, I will remind you of our friendship3 and I am more than grateful that we know each other.
Anyway, I need to do all of that for my happiness. Because if I continue to live like how I am doing right now, this won’t end very well. I’ll do my best.
Thank you for reading my insane thoughts. Hope that you too will have the courage to tell what you need to tell to your loved ones.
Have a nice day! :)
With some little hope left - Muliama