Crazy man writing crazy things
Am I getting away from what matter the most? I am trying to flee from myself?
I am hiding my pain in my generosity. I am trying to forget myself I think. Helping other to give me a reason to not help me. Getting all emotional and ready to help seem like a good reason to not take time to make some food or doing my homework.
I tend to get away easily from what matter the most for me. I don't want to face the fear to lose what seem so precious to me. I need to take the time to cherish my loved ones but is always somewhere else trying to resolve someone else problem.
I am literally the person that have the biggest impact on myself. That's it, that's the fact. Whenever I like it or not, it is totally true. But right now I just try my best to forget about me. To forget about my needs, to forget about my dreams.
When was the last time I drew something I liked? When was the last time I told to myself that I could just have some fun and watch a film?
Am I just scared to take care of my own problems? I am so complicated and I don't understand much about myself. I know some core principles and some really good tools to help me think and live better. But knowing is not half the battle. I need to apply what I know. I need to write them as often as possible to not forget them. But I don't do that.
Why? Why am I always trying to get away from myself? Why am I so ashamed of improving? I feel so much shame when someone is complimenting me or saying thanks for something I've done. That's crazy isn't it?
My environment, the people I see everyday, the way I think about myself and others, the way I eat, my habits, my decision, all of these things participate to that result. It because to all of these reasons that I fell this way.
I don't want to be like this anymore. I can see where all of this is heading but now I don't want my life to go in this direction. Just in a few month I feel like I lost one of my dearest friend. The others in my friends groups are drifting away from each other. I feel a bit lonely now.
Plus now I feel less connected to my friend because I don't have social media. I don't fucking care about the latest meme, weirdest creator, funniest music or the last episode of this series that everyone know about. I care about them, the moment we get to live together and the memories we created.
I feel like last year was full of happy times and wonderful memories! But now, even if everything is supposed to be better, I feel like nothing is. I don't get to live those special moments, I don't get to create memories, i don't get to laugh with everyone. I am starting to value last year, even if I though it was the most harshest time of my life.
I'll just start to enjoy life now. Cherish each moments and focusing on myself rather than other's problems. I am happy to help others, but I don't think that sacrificing my own well-being is the solution to really impact others positively.
I don't even want to proofread this post. I just want to offload and to get my craziness out on the internet.
Anyway, I take care of myself. I am the person who need my help the most.
Damn I wrote a lot that's crazy!