Fear
My throat is being strangled by it, I can't breath properly. It's messing with my vision, I can't see the world clearly. My organs are being twisted and constricted, I want to throw up. It's whispering nightmares into my ears, everything is noisy.
My heart is pumping, I'm breathing heavily. My tense muscles are jolting, I can't stay still. I'm ready to fight, ready to flight. I don't know where the threat is coming from, but it's coming. My entire being is ready to face the danger.
The problem being that it's in my head. It's following me around and I can't hide from it, nor can I punch it. It's inhabiting my mind, it control all of my thoughts. Because of it I'm always in a continual crisis. The danger is almost eternal, it never fade.
When I'm with it, I only want one thing, everything. I want to scream, to become mad and destroy everything, to hurt everyone. I want to cry, to drown in my own tear, to be the pitiful thing in the world. I want to numb myself, to forget my consciousness, to fade in any addiction. I want to disappear, to go where I cannot be found, where I cannot be remembered. I want all of that, at the same time, for eternity.
But it's presence is not pointless. When it's showing itself, I know one thing for sure. It want to show me that whatever is coming is truly important to me.
It's like a compass. Showing the direction towards what really matters. My loved one, my friends, my family, my happiness or my art. It don't want to make myself suffer, it want to show me the way. To show me what is really important to do. It really have my best interest in mind, it want me to be happier.
The sad thing is that it has no other way to guide me.