I am sinking down
Since a few days now, the only productive thing I did everyday was writing.
Most of the time I watch videos all day, read a manga or simply sleep.
I am procrastinating on everything that is important to me.
I tried to publish a post everyday and it really make me feel better.
But if I continue to act like this, I don't think that I would be able to achieve my goals. I would be in real trouble when school start, since I wouldn't know much. I don't want that to happen.
Putting off everything until the last minute won't get me anywhere. I am scared to fuck up everything in my life. And to do that when everything is starting to get better would destroy me.
When I wake up in the morning, I don't have the energy to do anything. I feel like everything I could do is useless. I've spend so much effort and time in school these last two years. But everything was telling me that I was useless anyway. When I was trying my very best it didn't seem to change my grades. It didn't seem to matter.
So I stopped trying. I didn't get attached to school too much. Since it won't matter what I do I can't change a thing.
I though that I was just a dumb student. I wasn't a serious person anyway. I sleep in a lot since I won't matter what I do. I spend days in my apartment without seeing the sun. Since no one needed me out there.
I didn't want to see anybody. I was sad and felt doomed. I was hopeless.
Or at least that's what I though. Because none of that is actually true. It's just the identity I've built in order to protect myself. All of those traumatic months left a big mark on me. But I don't have to keep that identity. I have to unlearn it.
So what can I do in order to change all of that? What actions can I put in place right now in order to prevent that horrible future from happening?
There is a chapter in the book Atomic Habits about this. About how your identity change you habits and vice-versa.
Identity is a vote. Every action is a vote to the identity I will have. So in order to change my identity, I have to change the votes. I have to do more actions that goes toward my desired identity.
That mean that I have to focus on who I wish to become. I have to think about the type of person who can achieve all of my goals. Then I have to think about what kind of votes I could cast everyday. Then I have to simply cast those votes day after day.
Now I have to think about all of this seriously. I guess I'll talk about it when I have some answers?